Everyone knows the story. The one where the girl gets a boyfriend, disappears from her friends, stops replying, and pops back up months later like nothing happened. And yeah, sometimes girls do ditch their friends when they get into a relationship. I’ve done it before – I was 18, thought I was in some great teenage love story, and honestly wasn’t great at balancing my priorities. But no one ever talks about the flip side of this story.

What about when you get into a relationship, you don’t ditch your friends, and somehow you’re still the villain?

What about when you still try to make the effort, but your ‘friend’ starts acting like you’ve betrayed them just because they no longer get 100% of your time? When they start disrespecting not just you, but the person you’re with too – rolling their eyes when his name comes up, acting cold in person, or making those little sarcastic comments like, “Oh, you’ll probably be with him anyway”. Like sorry, I didn’t realise I had to submit a weekly time sheet for my love life.

In your twenties, dating doesn’t tend to be a fully casual thing anymore. You’re not just seeing where it goes for years while someone isn’t ready for a relationship but also doesn’t want you seeing anyone else – or at least you shouldn’t be. You’re dating with intention. You’re investing in a future. Potentially with the person you’ll live with, marry, and maybe even have kids with. So naturally, some of the time you used to give entirely to your friends is now being split. That’s not betrayal. That’s literally adulthood.

But some friends just can’t handle that. They act like your time is theirs by default, and the second someone else gets a slice, it’s “you’ve changed”. No, I haven’t changed, my life has just shifted. And if a friendship can’t evolve with that, maybe it was never as strong as I thought.

I remember the sting when my ‘friend’ started treating him like an intruder instead of part of the group. It’s wild how quick people are to disrespect the person you care about. And if my partner was disrespecting my friends, I’d call it out. I’d protect my friendships. But when my friend disrespects my partner and I take a step back to protect him, suddenly I’m choosing him over them. Like, hello? Accountability is a two-way street, but somehow this one is one-way only.

Then comes the classic “you see him too much” guilt trip. Yes, I do. Because that’s what relationships are – building a life with someone, not just hanging out like before. Instead of a simple “I miss you, let’s make plans”, some friends just sulk and pull away. Then they give you the silent treatment of not inviting you to anything because they assume you’ll be with him. Finding out about plans after the fact and getting hit with, “Oh, I just figured you’d be busy”. So you end up spending most of your time with him because they stopped asking you to hang out and then they use that as ‘proof’ you don’t care about them anymore. Make it make sense.

That kind of exclusion is soul-crushing. It’s not just about missing a night out. It’s a slow isolation. You start to feel like you don’t exist outside your relationship, like your whole world shrinks to just two people. And for someone who values deep friendships, that loneliness is its own kind of heartbreak.

You realise you’re not the first person your friend tells about their wins, struggles, or random thoughts anymore. You stop being the one they call when they’re down or excited about something. It’s weird to feel like you’re fading from someone’s life without a real goodbye. And outside, everyone assumes you’re fine because you’ve got a boyfriend now, like that automatically cancels out loneliness or hurt. But a relationship can’t replace a best friend. I learned that the hard way years ago.

Here’s the thing that probably hurts me the most: friends are supposed to pick you up off the floor when a man hurts you. But instead, I had a man pick me up off the floor because my friend hurt me. That kind of betrayal cuts deep. It’s completely losing a connection to someone who is supposed to always have your back.

If you’re in this situation, I want you to really take my next sentence in: you are not a bad friend for prioritising your relationship. You are not selfish for wanting to build a future with someone you love. You are allowed to have both. And the right friends won’t just allow it, they’ll celebrate it.

It’s also okay to create boundaries when friends don’t respect your relationship. Protecting your peace isn’t rude. It’s necessary. If they can’t respect the person you choose to love, you don’t owe them unlimited access to your time or energy.

I wouldn’t let a relationship come between me and my friends. But I also won’t let my friends come between me and my relationship. If my partner made me feel like I had to ditch my friends, red flags all the way. But if my friends make me feel like I have to hide my happiness or pretend to care less about him just to keep them comfortable, that’s also a red flag.

This is about respect going both ways. If he’s going to be my forever, he’s not just my boyfriend – he’s family. You don’t have to love him like I do, no one’s asking you to, but you do have to respect him. And if you can’t do that, you’re not really respecting me either.

Losing a friend over this is a grief no one ever really talks about because it’s not dramatic or loud. But it’s real and valid. Some people aren’t meant to walk with you into every chapter of your life. The ones who are will never make you choose. They’ll stand next to you and say “I’m happy you found someone who loves you like that”. And they’ll mean it.

So if you’ve got friends who make you feel guilty for giving your heart to both them and your partner, here’s the truth: you don’t have to choose. You deserve both. And the people worth keeping will never make you think you do.

— Lilly x